Tonight, my 86-year-old mother-In law looked directly at me and then my wife and asked, ” who are you?” The woman who taught my wife to tie her shoes, cheered at every school play, and called my wife for support for over thirty years had no idea she was her daughter. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve had a similar moment that left you feeling lost, heartbroken, and completely unprepared.

Watching a loved one navigate dementia is one of life’s cruelest challenges. The person you’ve known your entire life slowly becomes a stranger, yet they’re still right there in front of you. While there’s no magic formula to make this journey easy, there are ways to find moments of connection, preserve your sanity, and honour the relationship you’ve always shared.

Meet Them Where They Are, Not Where They Used to Be.

The hardest lesson You can learn is to stop trying to pull your mother back to reality and instead step into hers. When she insisted my father was still alive and waiting for her at home, my first instinct was to remind her he’d passed five years ago. The result? tears, confusion, and that look of fresh grief washing over her face.

Now, when she mentions Dad, I ask what she’d like to tell him or what they’re planning to do together. Her face lights up as she talks about their old adventures. I’ve learned that her reality isn’t wrong—it’s just different. In her world, love doesn’t die, and the people who mattered most are still present. Sometimes her reality is kinder than ours.

Create New Rituals That Work for Both of You

Traditional visits might not work anymore, but that doesn’t mean meaningful connection is impossible. Most patients can no longer follow complex conversations, but she still responds to music from the 1950s. So now your visits centre around playing her favorite songs while we looks through old photo albums. She may not remember my name, but she hums along to “Blue Moon” and sometimes tells me stories about the people in the pictures.

One friend of mine discovered that her grandfather, who barely spoke anymore, became animated when she brought him art supplies. They spent hours drawing together, communicating through colours and shapes instead of words. These new rituals honour who they are now, not who they used to be. The goal isn’t to recreate the past but to find joy in the present moment.

Take Care of Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It

Here’s what no one tells you about dementia caregiving: you’ll feel guilty for every moment you’re not thinking about them, every laugh you have, every time you feel frustrated or sad. I spent months running myself into the ground, convinced that being a good daughter meant sacrificing my own well-being.

The wake-up call came when I snapped at my teenage son for leaving dishes in the sink. I realized I’d become so focused on managing my mother’s care that I was failing everyone else, including myself. I started seeing a counselor who specialized in caregiver support, joined a local support group, and learned to accept help from other family members. I discovered that taking a Saturday afternoon for myself didn’t make me selfish—it made me more patient and present when I was with Mom.

Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and yoga classes (though those help too). It’s setting boundaries, asking for help, and remembering that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Your loved one needs you to be sustainable for the long haul, and that means protecting your own mental and physical health.

Finding Light in the Darkness

Dementia will take a lot from your family, but it doesn’t have to take everything. In between the hard days, you’ll find unexpected moments of grace—a genuine laugh, a lucid conversation, a peaceful afternoon together. These moments are gifts, and they’re worth fighting for.

The journey ahead won’t be easy, but you don’t have to walk it alone. If this article resonated with you, consider subscribing to our blog for weekly stories, practical tips, and gentle reminders that you’re doing better than you think. Together, we can find ways to love our people through the darkness and discover that sometimes, even when everything changes, love finds a way to remain.When My Mother Asked Me Who I Was: A Guide to Loving Someone Through Dementia

Last Tuesday, my 78-year-old mother looked directly at me and asked, “Excuse me, but who are you?” The woman who taught me to tie my shoes, cheered at every school play, and called me every Sunday for thirty years had no idea I was her daughter. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve had a similar moment that left you feeling lost, heartbroken, and completely unprepared.

Watching a loved one navigate dementia is one of life’s cruelest challenges. The person you’ve known your entire life slowly becomes a stranger, yet they’re still right there in front of you. While there’s no magic formula to make this journey easy, there are ways to find moments of connection, preserve your sanity, and honor the relationship you’ve always shared.

Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, you will be ok….

Let me know if there are ant subjects that are bothering you you at the moment that I can help you with.